Battlefield Earth (PG-13)

OK, I’ll admit that I didn’t walk into the theater with an open mind about "Battlefield Earth." I’d heard some of the bad reviews of this post-apocalyptic sci-fi flick starring John Travolta. The movie is based on a book by L. Ron Hubbard, the late founder of Scientology. Scientology is a pseudo-religious cult favored by many Hollywood actors, including Travolta.

Usually, when I’m so prepared not to like a film, I end up enjoying it a lot more than I expected.

Not this time.

First of all, let me say that I didn’t see any subtle pro-Scientology messages in the movie. I didn’t see anything subtle at all. If Travolta was hoping to influence anyone toward his church based on this, he’s going to be as disappointed as his fans were while watching the film. (Travolta has repeatedly claimed the movie wasn't designed to promote scientology and it apparently does not).

Set in the year 3,000, the story opens by telling us that "humans are an endangered species." Apparently, about 1,000 years before, the Psychlos defeated the humans and took over the earth in about eight minutes. Since that time they’ve been treating the humans as dumb animals and slaves.

Travolta plays Terl, the planetary security chief who can’t seem to stop throwing his head back and laughing whenever he breaks an agreement via some twisted Bart Simpson-style logic. (e.g. "I did say I wouldn’t kill your friend, but I didn’t say that guy wouldn’t kill your friend. HA. HA. HA. HA. HA. HA.")

Terl is so confident that humans pose no threat to him that he hooks one of them (Barry Pepper) up to a "learning machine" that teaches him the Psychlo language (and math!). Then, just to prove that humans can’t do anything, he takes this "man-slave" to a thousand-year-old library (with all the books still intact) so he can see how useless it is to fight the Psychlos. (I didn’t get it, either) There, of course, the man finds the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, which inspires him to go find fighter jets that still work after 1,000 years of sitting around in their hangers.

Not only were the holes in the plot large enough for Travolta’s nine-foot character to walk through, but the movie-making itself seemed unbound by rational thought. The whole thing was so dark, I often wasn’t sure what I was looking at. The music was loud and bad. And the camera would often tilt to one side or the other for no apparent reason at all.

Even the special effects - which I’m sure drove up the cost of the film - were laughable. Lots of paintings of cityscapes. Lots of obvious Hollywood back lots. Lots of silly, sub-Star Trek make-up. It’s like the movie was trying to irritate people.

There’s no language or sex to worry about, just some unbelievable sci-fi violence. But that’s not a good enough reason to go see this movie. I’m sure you’ll get a chance to see it when it becomes one of those "stupid movie classics" that people watch late at night when they’re in the mood to giggle.

Until then, don’t bother (unless you enjoy spending $6.50 to giggle at the theater).